Be Still
by malenburke
Summary: be still and know that I am here / In which Riley is grieving, and Lucas is always there for her. [AU oneshot]


**Hey guys! It's been quite a while. I'm working on We're Not Normal Chapter 11, which is quite a significant chapter, so don't worry! I'm having a bit of a writer's block, plus I'm super busy, so here's a quick one shot for you guys while waiting for that :)**

 **If you couldn't tell, I'm a huge fan of sad fics. I don't know why I like torturing myself like this. This oneshot was inspired by The Fray's song, Be Still. It's beautiful and I swear if you listen to it on repeat while reading this you will feel the full feels that I felt while writing it. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Girl Meets World.**

* * *

In which Riley is grieving, and Lucas is always there with her.

* * *

 _be still and know that I'm with you_

 _be still and know that I am here_

 _be still and know that I'm with you_

 _be still, be still, and know_

* * *

She shifted next to him. Her face tensed up momentarily, twisted with panic and despair.

Lucas pulled her closer to him, his chest pressed to her back, his arm winding firm and gentle around her small frame. He had not slept since he came to lay beside her. He had hardly slept in the past year, being with her. She was going through so much. And it hurt knowing that he couldn't do anything to help.

She barely ate now, though the situation was improving. She barely got herself out of her room, her bed. She dreaded having to go to school every day. It was so hard to move on after losing him. He had always been there for her, and now he was gone.

So Lucas did the only thing he could do: hold her, and let her know that he was there. He had always been there. And he always would be.

She slowly stopped stirring, and was sound asleep, snuggled against him.

All was still once more, and Lucas listened to the silence. The moonlight cast a gentle glow on her sleeping figure, seeping through the sheer curtains of the bay window. Somewhere in the night, he could hear a few cars driving along. A dog barked somewhere. And he stared at a picture of the two of them on her bedside table as he held her close.

He could feel her heart beating softly. He thought about how lucky it was that she was alive. He thought about how much she had gotten better over the past year. How she had slowly begun to let go.

And he knew that this would be his last night visiting to stay with her.

* * *

 _when darkness comes upon you_

 _and covers you with fear and shame_

 _be still and know that I'm with you_

 _and I will say your name_

* * *

Earlier that day, Riley had gone to visit the grave. It was hard. She hadn't visited since a year ago, when she lost him in the fatal accident. Visiting him only reminded her of that day, still vivid in her mind. Screeching tires, loud honks and her screams all revisited her in her sleep, and seeing his grave would only make it worse.

But there she was, standing there and looking down at his name etched on the tombstone, a bouquet of flowers in her hand. In the early morning, there was no one else around, and the morning sun was still painting the sky a gentle blue.

And Lucas was there, right behind her. Always there for her.

"Hey," she said softly. She smiled. "I brought some flowers for you. I know they were never really your thing, but... You know how much I love them. I, uh... graduation is tomorrow. I got accepted into Yale, who knew. Didn't think I would make it, considering how much I've been moping in my room this past year."

She let out a breathy laugh, before falling silent. She wasn't quite sure of what to say. But Lucas gently squeezed her shoulder. She took a deep breath, mustering the courage that he gave her.

"I miss you a lot," she started. "It hasn't been easy, trying to get by without you. Everyone in school misses you. Class isn't the same. Nothing is. No one is." Her voice cracked, and her breath hitched. "I think I miss you the most. It's been _so hard_ , living without you. It feels like I'm not really living."

She stopped for a moment, letting her tears spill silently. Subconsciously, she ran her fingers along the scars on her arm. They were fading, but they would always be there. A reminder of what she went through.

Lucas felt his heart break even further, already battered and bruised from so many nights of watching her cry and grieve.

Riley wiped her eyes and looked up to the sky, taking a deep breath and trying to steady herself. She turned back to the tombstone.

"But I think things have finally started to get better," she said after clearing her throat. She smiled. "I'm feeling better. And I know that things are going to be okay. Not the same without you – _never_ the same without you, but things will be okay. I know that now."

Lucas smiled with pride as she bent down to gently place the flowers atop the grave. "I miss you so, so much. But it's time to let go," she said, her voice trembling but brave. "I will never ever forget you. I will always remember you, with all my heart. And I'm going to live my life as you would have wanted me to. It won't be easy, but I know you'll always be there with me."

She smiled one last time, brushing her fingers against his name engraved in stone, before standing up again and turning to leave.

Lucas walked with her, beaming with so much love and pride at how far she had come. And once again he told himself that he would be with her forever.

* * *

 _if terror falls upon your bed_

 _and sleep no longer come_

 _remember all the words I said_

 _be still, be still, and know_

* * *

The early days had been the worst.

The others hadn't been able to reach her. Not even Maya. Riley was always in a state of emptiness, her face blank and her soul hollow. Talking to her was like talking to an empty shell, its inhabitant long gone and dead.

It was like she had retreated far within herself, locking herself away in a place where the light couldn't reclaim her, far from people and far from the pain.

But Lucas was always there for her. Always next to her, always right behind her. He was there whenever she cried in her room, allowing herself to grieve. He was there whenever she stared at herself in the mirror, wondering how she was going to continue with her life, if it was even worth continuing.

He was there with her in the hallways, when people gave her sympathetic or wary stares. No one liked to mingle with someone who was mourning. Someone who had lost another, who meant the world to her. It was as though death was contagious. What if it claimed her next, if she decided to end her own life?

No, Lucas would not allow it. She could not die for this. It was not what anyone would have wanted, and it sure as hell was not what he wanted. She knew that. She didn't want it for herself either. Deep down, there lived a glimmer of hope, hope that she would return to the ray of sunshine and happiness that everyone knew her to be. Someday, she would get back there. It was the only thing that kept her going, even if she herself didn't know it. He knew it though. Lucas always knew.

He always stayed with her. He visited her every night and slept with her until she stopped screaming or crying from the nightmares. He held her until she quietened, and was at peace once more. He held her until the morning, when she would have to face a new day.

As long as she felt his presence, she was alright.

* * *

 _and when you go through the valley_

 _and shadow comes down from the hill_

 _if morning never comes to be_

 _be still, be still, be still_

* * *

He had been there when she made her first cut. He remembered arriving to visit her when he saw that she was crying, her hands shaking. He remembered yelling so much, screaming for her to stop until his throat was raw. He remembered trying to take the blade from her small, trembling hands. But she was in a state of blind despair and grief, continuing to draw the blade against her arm repeatedly until she passed out.

Topanga had come in almost immediately, hearing the screams and cries of her little girl. Lucas remembered the horrified look on her face.

He remembered sitting in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. He remembered feeling so numb, staring at her as she lay unconscious, the bandage around her arm stained bright red with her blood.

He remembered sitting in the hospital all night, watching her family, along with Maya, Farkle, Josh, Zay, Smackle, Shawn and Katy (and many more that he couldn't remember) rush past him or break down crying, praying that she would be alright.

He remembered knowing deep down that this state of numbness was just him ignoring the possibility that she could die. He didn't want to face that reality. So he sat there, numb.

He remembered Dr Manning stepping out of the room with his clipboard in hand. He couldn't remember feeling more terrified than he was in that moment.

He couldn't remember feeling more relieved and thankful when Dr Manning said that Riley would be alright.

From that moment on, he swore to always be with her, and watch over her, and protect her, and comfort her, and love her. No matter what, he would always be there for her.

No matter what.

* * *

 _if you forget the way to go_

 _and lose where you came from_

 _if no one is standing beside you_

 _be still, and know I am_

* * *

Lucas was still staring at the picture of him and Riley. She was still sleeping soundly in his arms.

He wondered what the rest of her life would be like from that point on. It opened up a world of possibilities, knowing that she had gotten herself out of this hole and could continue living now.

He was pretty sure she would go back to being Smiley Riley. The nightmares may still continue, and she would break down sometimes, but she would be fine. He pictured her being a beacon of hope for others, and instead of blind optimism and eternal faith in the world and in life fuelling her bubbly personality, she would be Smiley Riley, the one who had been through hard times and survived and was still smiling.

He could see her growing up to be some motivational speaker, or a counsellor, or some inspiring writer or actress or anything really. Heck, he could see her as the first female President of the United States.

It made him feel hopeful for her, thinking about how things would turn out after this night. Here was a fresh start for her.

He also knew that it was time for him to leave. She no longer needed him there all the time.

Lucas was there when the accident happened. He remembered flashing lights, a sharp turn, loud screeching, and screams. He remembered the fear in Riley's big brown eyes being the last thing he saw.

He was there when she gave her eulogy at the funeral. He was there when she broke down at the podium after telling everyone how much he meant to her, how they met, how they fell in love, everything they went through together, and how they always discussed their futures together.

He was there when she talked about how much she loved him, how much she would miss him, and how much it hurt to lose him.

He was there, standing beside her, staring at himself lying in the coffin.

And now here he was, staring at that picture as he held her close.

She no longer needed him to be there all the time. He knew that she had always felt his presence. Maybe she felt a bit doubtful, but he knew that she felt him there. And he knew that it was the reason she could finally move on.

She could feel him there now. She didn't need him to be there physically. He would always be in her heart.

Unwillingly, he gave her one last squeeze, before detaching himself and standing up.

"I love you, Riley," he whispered. And he kissed her one last time, knowing she felt it.

As he pulled away he saw her future flash before him, a future where she would pursue her dream of studying psychology and helping those who needed her light to change the world, remaining friends with the rest of the gang, where she would marry someone who loved her as much as he did, and they lived in a little cottage like she always wanted with a little garden for her flowers, and three children and a dog. And she would have many grandchildren who would visit her often, and make her happy, and she would be surrounded by family and friends when she passed away peacefully. And she would be so so happy. And he would always watch over her, and love her.

He smiled to himself one last time, knowing that she could finally let go. He would come back often. And he hoped that whoever she ended up sharing a future with would love her as much as he did.

And then he was gone.

Riley smiled and stirred, and then all was still.

* * *

 _be still and know that I'm with you_

 _be still and know I am_


End file.
